Impossible Parenting, Part 1

You would think a guy who counsels others and has raised 3 kids of our own (my youngest is now 17) would have this parenting thing down to a science by now. (If this were a sitcom, they’d cue the laugh track at this point. Pause a moment for the effect).

But that’s just it, isn’t it – raising children isn’t a science – despite the plethora of self-help books and videos that overwhelm the shelves down at the local Barnes and Noble, or that beg for your time (and money) at your favorite internet hot-spot. Oh sure, you can tell me about the latest "wonderful book you’re reading," and the sure-fire platitudes and proverbs that you’re banking on to “get it right” – even if they’re attached to a Bible verse. (This last crowd might be the most dangerous. I know, I’ve been there. Really, we should know more about God than to think we can cage Him like that. Think instead that He’s more like a lion on the loose…)

But a science? Really? That would mean this life – not to mention parenting - is akin to a kind of controlled experiment, taking place in a sterile lab or clean room somewhere. No extraneous elements to foul the result. Just a dash of this and a drop of that, and you'll get the desired result. It's so darn perfect, because in this world, everyone manages to follow protocol to a “T.” 

Cue that laugh track again. (I am sorry, but if that’s what you think life is (or even should be), I can’t help but chuckle. And then ask you what world you're really living in.)

But of course, I’m learning the hard way too. Sometimes I even act as if the above scenario is true; after all, it does fit well with the "American way" of "Father Knows Best" and "Work hard enough and you too can be a success!" Not to mention that Lord knows I’ve read enough books to have a boat load of tips and suggestions – some of which are actually very useful. But lately, I’m preferring what this seasoned parent confessed:
 
It took me seventeen years to realize I couldn’t parent on my own. It was not a great spiritual insight, just a realistic observation…

Now, a statement that offends my sensibilities like that needs to be unpacked, so I eagerly read on...

... If I didn’t pray deliberately and reflectively for the members of my family by name every morning, they’d kill one another. I was incapable of getting inside their hearts. I was desperate. But even more, I couldn’t change my self-confident heart…I need grace even to pray. 

                                                                                       ~ Paul Miller, A Praying Life

Please don’t get me wrong. The purpose of quoting that statement wasn’t to make you groan, “Oh, I see, the issue is I’m just not praying enough… and if only I prayed more, things would work out fine with my kids.” Wrong. My purpose was to help you, as a fellow struggling parent, to actually breathe a sigh of relief. To get off the treadmill, and allow yourself to catch a wind of the freedom that can truly come by not having to play God. Call it "weakness parenting." 

So, I’m sorry to break it to you, but you and I just aren’t in control of how our kids turn out. (And no, that doesn't mean we do nothing - on the contrary. Love is most free when it flows from a heart that is becoming unhinged from our pathological addiction to self righteousness, and moralism. But more on that later.) 

And that’s a good starting place for this awesome calling of parenting… don’t you think? Stay tuned!