Friday, May 14, 2010

The Two Things You Want Most

Escape into reality - that’s what a good book or film does for me. If it’s really good it makes me ask, “Isn’t life like that?” “Isn’t that beautiful, or true of relationships?” “Isn’t love just impossible, but when touched by grace, so worth it in the end?” Whether its a comedy that pokes at the absurdity and sadness of pretentious, selfish relationships (like the recent Ghost-Town movie), and then is able to melt your heart with the surprise of redemption, or a drama that marvelously hints at a hidden hand of Providence operating in the midst of our brokenness (Slum-dog Millionaire), stories and films can counsel our hearts and ask some great questions. (Yes, they can also be a whole lot of fun too – and that’s not at all bad, as CS Lewis noted).

Take the recent Rachel Getting Married film, now out on dvd, starring Anne Hathaway (written by Jenny Lumet and directed by Jonathan Demme). Watching this film with my wife and son was literally like being flies on the wall at a family week-end wedding party, where every detail – like life itself - had the potential to reveal some new aspect of brokenness and grace. The purposeful “camcorder” feel created by the hand-held camera work was also especially effective, bringing us (the “party guests”) up close and personal with a family that turns out to be not too unlike ours - trying desperately to figure out how love and relationships can look in a broken yet glorious world.

What does this have to do with counseling? Everything! Our lives are a story, unfolding every moment, pregnant with meaning. The details matter. Good questions help reveal them: What happened to you? What did you think/do about it? How are you now seeing yourself, others, and God in the middle of all this? Who (or what) are you really hoping in now? What are your struggles and joys?

Rachel Getting Married works as a film and a mirror for truth because it effectively reveals a world where each person’s heart has both a history and the wonderful opportunity for redemption. And like all of us, the characters are busy grappling with (as counselor and author Dan Allender notes) two great and motivating heart-desires: Who will love me? and (often), How can I get my own way? Think about it. Aren’t those two desires the source of most of the drama in your own life?

We’re All Addicted
How do those two questions take shape for each of us, especially in the kind of world that Rachel portrays? In a world where we battle with our own addictions (call them idols of the heart), just as Kym (played with wonderful realism in the film by Hathaway) battles with hers? It may not be the more dramatic addictions to alcohol, drugs, or sex, but the same root motivations and questions lie behind our quests for acceptance, comfort, and significance. Our lives may indeed look different on the outside, but inside, the situation has many similarities. This is because all of us long to respond in adoration to someone or something; to be swept up, dazzled, and “blown away.” It’s how we’re made.

Romans 1 clarifies this heart desire by explaining that our desire will either be wrapped around a glorious Creator, and enjoying His world in thankfulness to Him, or it will be something we’ve turned to in creation – whether a person, food, sex, etc.  But to the extent that you and I believe the lie that only some people are addicts – you know, the ones who really need rehab (like Kym, and the others at Narcotics Anonymous) we’ve missed the boat about grace. As screenwriter Jenny Lumet said in a recent interview with Glide magazine,

“…Some people are addicted to information – there are people who can’t leave their house without their Blackberry. I know a lot of people who are just addicted to plain old drama. Like, how about a nice non-dramatic day? No, no!”

To Be Loved
So where do you tend to look for your desire for love, for acceptance, for approval? In the film, and in life, it is the desire to be loved when we’re at our very worst which catches us up short. Plagued with guilt over how her addictions contributed to the drowning death of her brother, Kym attends a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. When she finally speaks, one line is particularly illuminating:

“I struggle with God so much…and sometimes I don't want to believe in a God that could forgive me. But I do want to be sober...”

What does Kym really want? Behind the swirling mix of wounded pride, guilt, and destructive behavior, lies the prospect of actual forgiveness and complete acceptance – to be a “maid of honor.” And yet, how could God actually forgive an addict and a murderer, and still be a good God? Isn’t that really the question for us as well? Maybe it’s because we want to see ourselves in a better light than as “murderers of God” (since it is our sin that necessitates Christ to bear our guilt and die) that we choose all our “God- substitutes.” Are you really telling me I can't fix it myself?

Exactly. But here, to our great surprise, is where the scandal of grace is best seen. While we’re busy seeking our own saviors that will somehow absolve us (or at least help us forget for awhile), Jesus offers to throw us a party – the likes of which we’ve never seen! At this party (as in the film) are all the freaks, the outcasts, the spiritually lame. And still bearing his own wounds of love, he welcomes each one!

“Come, all you who are thirsty…and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come buy wine and milk, without money, and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.” ~ Isaiah 55:1,2

The real scandal here is that the cost has already been paid by none other than God Himself. And He does it to love you - yes, even you. Counseling needs this truth at the very center, for it is the only valid answer to the cry of our soul: who will love me? The cross is indeed the place where "God’s justice and mercy kiss," and we are healed – again and again. And surprise - you are invited to this banquet of grace!

Do You Really Want Your Own Way?
You see, if we got our own way, you and I would opt for a self-salvation program. Many addicts do, which is why “the program” now becomes the new idol. (This is not to knock programs, but if they don’t lead to the banquet of grace in Christ, they’ve missed the boat.) However, we certainly need a family around us – spiritual brothers and sisters to help shoulder the burden of change for us, to keep us accountable, and away from what one counselor has called “a banquet in the grave.” Like Kym’s family, that family of grace called “the church” won’t be perfect (they’re fellow addicts too, just perhaps in different ways) but the more they keep their eyes on the wedding feast of grace, the closer we will all be to true celebration.

And that’s why this film becomes for us a great insight for counseling. Life - as it can be in Christ - is really about moving away from the lies that want to kill us (think of the moment where Kym wants to drive her car into a tree) and toward a wedding celebration – it’s the very purpose of history. It’s the purpose of your personal history. Your deep sorrows, your many tears will give way to laughter and incredible joy. You will, in fact, want to dance at this wedding celebration – like you’ve never danced before. But you will first show up, like Kym, battered and bruised, to let Christ wash you.

As the film ends, we're caught up in this most unlikely celebration. Everything isn’t perfect yet (life is still a battle for Kym), but there is now hope. The same is true for us: one day in the future, your heart will know what you’ve longed for all along. Just like the moment in a wedding when the bride is given to the bridegroom, you will know true joy, and will sit down to a banquet. So live right now in the hope of that great celebration. In fact, try celebrating grace right now, and in so doing, find the best answers for those two questions you and I are always asking.

(Note: Rachel Getting Married is Rated R for sex, drug use, and emotional violence. Like any film that seeks an accurate portrayal of addiction in a fallen world, these elements ought not surprise us. However, parents should certainly take this information into account before viewing with their children.)