Dr. Hibbert: The second [stage] is anger.
Homer: Why you little...!
Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear?!
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while!
Dr. Hibbert: Finally, acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me!
We laugh, but while Elizabeth Kubler-Ross never intended for her classic “five stages of grief” to suggest a uniformly linear, progressive experience, unfortunately the language of “stages” has produced a widespread culture of assumption that this is the preferred way to “systematically” move the grieving person along toward healing. But as anyone who has suffered a significant loss will tell you, grief is rarely orderly or predictable. On the contrary, each person’s experience of grief is uniquely their own: everyone knows “his own pain,” as the ancient wisdom book Proverbs says.
Further, the historic, Christian Faith actually provides the possibility of a more hopeful, less messy experience of grief by providing a strong Redeemer and Comforter – a living Person who calls Himself “The Way, Truth, and Life” – and who enters our world to transform it, by “bearing our griefs and sorrows” (Isaiah 53). His wrestling with suffering, and the looming shadow of the cross is followed by a triumphal resurrection - the source of our hope.
All of this - and His promise to begin renewing all things right now (especially our hearts of stone), as well as a future new creation where death is finally and completely removed, changes everything. No longer do those who look to him need to sorrow “as those who have no hope” (I Thess. 4:13).
Rethinking the Stages
Consider how the classic first stage, “denial,” is transformed. As counselor David Powlison notes, Christ shatters our tendency to drift into denial of loss by actually transforming our dynamic internal trust - our heart’s tendency to put ultimate trust in a person or thing, which we will one day lose - by placing ultimate trust in a strong and loving God.
This re-directed worship (from self to God), as C.S. Lewis points out, also produces a beautiful result right now: it actually elevates our love for that person, as they are no longer placed in a position above God as a kind of “functional savior,” existing primarily to serve us and meet all our deepest needs (a position they were never intended to occupy in the first place). Instead, the person connected to our loss is seen in a whole new light - as a gift for us to love and serve and thank God for - for however long we are given, and also to grieve for the real person and precious gift they were when gone.
Similarly, the “anger stage” can also be transformed. The “shaking our fist at the heavens” response can give way to an honest questioning of God’s mysterious ways, and a deeper, cleaner, and more profound experience of the pain. (See the Psalms, which demonstrate an honest questioning of God within the context of His loving relationship with us and enduring promise to work out all things – even losses – for our good.) In addition, depression and bargaining also begin to be transformed, as our self-referential focus gives way to a focus on a God of grace and hope who promises to one day restore all our losses.
With this foundational re-connection to our Creator through Christ, consider how the following seven myths are exploded and given a whole new trajectory:
Myth #1: “If I talk about my loss, I’ll feel worse…”
You can’t heal unless you experience and work through your feelings of loss. When churches offer grief support groups for their members and the community, they encourage an authenticity and kinship in the mourning process that is unashamed to speak of brokenness. Hope in Christ actually fuels authenticity and the courage to share and help support others, even as we are being supported. We've been personally privileged to run a group we called Bayith Ebel (Hebrew for “House of Mourning” from Eccles. 7:2), and it was a rich experience of exploration, tears, and joy, as we learned to take seriously Jesus’ call to “weep with those who weep.”
Myth#2:
“If I’m sad and struggling with grief I must be a “loser-Christian.”
Shouldn’t Christians be “always rejoicing?” Counselor and author Paul Tripp says it well: “In times of grief Christians should be sadder than anyone else because we know something of how good life was meant to be, yet more hopeful than anyone because of what the cross and resurrection mean.”
Myth #3: “By staying busy or medicating myself I can eventually eliminate my grief…”
God has designed us to be responders (not stuffers) to joy and tragedy, love and loss. For this reason, grief doesn’t disappear, it simply goes underground temporarily and waits to be expressed. After all the attempts to escape feeling the pain (excessive busyness, taking mood-altering drugs, over-eating, or escapist behavior), you will start grieving where you left off. There are no short-cuts. Pain simply doesn’t get better by being ignored.
Myth#4: “In order to process my grief effectively I need to advance through the five stages of grief” (shock or denial; anger; depression; bargaining; acceptance).
As this article has already pointed out, the term “stages” is misleading. The Gospel (good news) of Christ’s forgiveness and formation of a new family in him leads to a better way of grieving with hope.
Myth #5: ”Tears are a sign of weakness. I must make sure I don’t grieve for too long. One year is surely enough?”
Tears actually have God’s approval – they release pain and signal a need to be comforted. “For the LORD has heard my weeping” (Ps. 6:8). Jesus wept deeply and openly over the brokenness he encountered, even though he was about to transform it forever.
Myth #6: “My goal should be to “get over” my grief.”
Hear the words of Gerald Sittser, who saw three generations of his family die at once in a tragic car crash – his mother, wife and daughter: “I did not “get over my loved ones;” rather, I absorbed the loss into my life until it became part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it…One learns the pain of others by suffering one’s own pain…by finding one’s own soul. However painful, sorrow is good for the soul…the soul is elastic, like a balloon. It can grow larger through suffering.”
Myth #7: “God’s forgiveness is not enough. If I feel bad long enough I will pay for what I have lost.”
Do we ever feel this? If so, we need to hear the word of assurance from Christ’s own mouth, as he hung on the cross – “it is finished!” This not only deals with all our guilt (if we were directly involved with the loss – ie,, abortion, gossip, etc.) – and is the only thing that really does - but also transforms our guilt feelings, which often mislead us to think that our goodness or worthiness could actually eliminate suffering. Yet suffering has a far deeper meaning and purpose for the believer in Jesus, just as it did for Christ himself.
In conclusion, we see that the better questions to ask ourselves, rather than “Am I progressing though the five stages of grief?” are the ones that lead us to a Person, Christ. “In the face of my loss, do I really believe he is good, has personally identified with my loss, and has loved me unbelievably well in the cross?” “Am I moving toward hope (in Him), or deeper despair?” “Am I in a community of hope where wrestling with God can take place, without judgment or condemnation (even as the Psalmist experienced)?” These are Scripture’s questions when it comes to grief, and they are questions couched in grace and meant to move you toward Love (a Person inhabiting real people) – no matter how long it takes.
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