What Kind of Change?

It seems that transformation and "change" is on everyone's mind these days. Just turn on the television for 30 seconds and it hits you: Extreme Makeovers of homes, with fancy new appliances (especially from Sears, you know, the ones that cost as much as your first car); of clothing, on TLC's What Not to Wear ("You will ditch that 90's wardrobe already, like it or not"); even your (OMG!) wrinkled face - (Nip a little here, Tuck a little there, and whatever you do, never, ever tell your age). And we haven't even mentioned the pundits on cable news... 

Or how about those among us still pursuing the "hippie myths of the perfection of nature," as Joel Stein comically described in Time magazine some time ago, with neighborhoods "full of places you can go to detoxify with colonics, get healed with crystals and magnets and buy non-genetically engineered food"? (Feeling blue? Nothing that a good enema and some wheat grass can't remedy! Somebody get me a cheeseburger, please!)

But what if we paused long enough to ask, "Are a new wardrobe, brighter smile, and a cleaner colon - as nice as they may be - really enough? Will a new washer and dryer really bring me lasting fulfillment?" (Maybe this is a better question for someone who actually enjoys laundry? Sorry, the answer is still the same). Or might we actually be longing for an answer that goes much deeper - something closer to the heart - because we keenly feel the truth that Dylan also felt when he sang:

Broken bottles, broken plates,
Broken switches, broken gates,
Broken dishes, broken parts,
Streets are filled with broken hearts...
Broken bodies, broken bones,
Broken voices on broken phones.
Take a deep breath, feels like you're chokin',
Everything is broken.

Can you imagine a sadder scene? With all this brokenness, denial certainly seems a viable option. But then you still have to answer, "if things ain't that broke, why all the desperate fixin' goin' on?" (You'll also have to deal with the loads of empirical evidence from around the globe, presented nightly on the evening news – unless you just decide to switch it off.)

Moral Clean-up?
I find it striking how Jesus, a widely accepted "go-to guy" when it comes to real make-overs, used a vivid dish-washing metaphor to locate the source of real change - and notice, it wasn't a call to go get a Kenmore:

“What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law… For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and self-indulgence! You blind Pharisee! First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too. Matthew 23:25-26 (NLT)

Strong words, Jesus! Of course the real irony here is, he’s talking to the most outwardly religious, put-together people of the day - the Pharisees - and not the broken prostitutes or openly immoral. (For them, it’s a surprising, transforming message of grace). And notice how he’s directing them to look inside, to their hearts.

It's a sad fact - for all the outward clean-up the moral man does, he cannot escape the fact that he is also selfish and evil (full of greed and self-indulgence). And Jesus knows that just giving an evil person a cleaned-up exterior, or even a set of good rules, is only a set-up for disaster, for he'll inevitably look down on others and pride himself on how good he thinks he really is – just as the Pharisees did, and as we ourselves often do. (American churches and "Christian" Self-help experts take note: the more you lay moral orders or "good principles" on people, without talking about your brokenness and God's grace; the more you emphasize good behavior or conservative politics or even "your best life now!" - rather than the centrality of Christ's work for us - the less you will see real change).

Imagine This...
But now imagine this: say you went with the idea that what you really needed was not another new therapeutic technique (as temporarily helpful as some may be), or a new program to improve yourself by becoming a "better you" (and the versions of this are legion) but actually – as Jesus knew - to come in contact with a real person; someone who would love you so well you would want to change, just because He was so beautiful to be with? And just for the sake of argument, say that person actually specialized in dealing with broken cases (just like yours), because he also had the only remedy for dealing with our deepest problems (all the evil in men’s hearts - both that committed by us and done to us) - as well as the variety of insecurities and fears that swirl around it? Would he not be the kind of person you’d long to be with, to actually get to know?

Further, as you saw yourself actually changing - from the inside out - might you also want nothing more than to learn to love like Him, expressing gratitude and telling everyone you meet what a strong Rescuer, and Wonderful Counselor he is?

So stop and ask yourself, "What do I really believe this God is like? How much do I really believe He's interested in loving...not just someone else...but me?" If the cross doesn't come to mind, you haven't yet grasped the wonder.

Perhaps another small - but also wondrous - illustration from God Himself, given to stir and enlarge our thoughts about Him, will suffice:

God tells his children that His thoughts of love and care towards them actually outnumbers the grains of sand on the shore (see Psalm 139: 13-18). Stop and consider it. (That's real thoughtfulness). Then next time you're on the beach, kneel down and scoop a handful of sand in your hand and start counting. If you make it to a thousand, you're probably only a small fraction of the way there. Now as you slowly pour the sand into your other hand, say this aloud (and don't worry about who's listening):

"God has had more thoughts about me than the total of all the grains in my hand, or even on this beach, or on all the beaches in the world!” Now if you can imagine such a thing, allow yourself to marvel. But then you will probably also say, "But how could he really, as broken and selfish and messed up as I am?"

True Change
Now see that person, in much the same way that Aslan in the Dawn Treader speaks to the boy Eustace (who followed his selfish heart and became a dragon in Narnia), saying to you: "You cannot tear away the dragon layers yourself. All the ugly pride and hardness that ruins your relationships will not come away with with makeovers, or good laws, not with more money or appliances or politics or self-help - but you must let me undress you. And if you will, if you ask me to change you, you will begin to see what you’ve only imagined you could become – but what I can already see." And as He begins to do it - throughout the days and weeks and years of your life - you will want to say:

Now to him who is able to do far more than all that we ask or think (imagine), according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3)

Singleness, and the Waiting

Intimacy, like joy, is a by-product of knowing, and being known by One who sees our hearts and still pursues us...Though not the goal itself, we can short-circuit our opportunities to enjoy intimacy with those around us (the neighbor next door, the business client) by being selfish, self-destructive, and undesirable to be with.

In the desire to enjoy another, waiting is a vital part of the story. As Paul Tripp has said, "waiting isn't just about what you are hoping for at the end of the wait, but also about what you'll become as you wait." Sometimes poetry is the best way to say it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igCj3jsbcqs&feature=grec_index

Optimistic Realism

Took a drive up to see the Palomar telescope recently, a 200 inch spyglass for gazing at the stars. (Actually, as I learned, the viewing lens itself isn't 200 inches, but rather the polished glass mirror that catches the star light and reflects it for taking camera shots. Very cool.) At any rate, it was a date with my wife, and we both endured the winding and somewhat nauseating road up to the top of beautiful Palomar mountain. (They used to call this jaunt "the highway to the stars" - at least until those scavengers of nostalgia stole the signs and put them on e-bay.)

I tell you this because besides the fact that the making of the reflector glass was a marvel itself (for the 1930's especially), and it was cast in the Corning, NY glass works (near my boyhood home in upper PA., and a frequent destination for fun grade-school trips), I was struck by inventor George Ellery Hale's passion for imagining and building bigger and better telescopes - but especially his motto for what to do with our lives:

Make no small plans, dreams no small dreams.

I've since learned that part of this quote might have been borrowed by Hale, because Daniel Hudson Burnham, author of the Chicago City Plans also said:

Make no small plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.

Part of counseling is the privilege of opening up a counselee's imagination to that "deeper magic, from before the dawn of time," as Lewis put it in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. The Gospel story is that deeper magic, and because its also true, it gives great hope for right now, as well as tremendous optimism about the future.

The realism part enters in as a happy result of that confidence. And it works like this: Because of the work of Christ (see Aslan on the stone table) you are incredibly secure: "It is finished" is his cry. Accomplished. Done. Every day you are able to say, "If I am his, nothing can separate me from his love - not even my days of doubt, my rebellious heart, or my lack of love. His grace is stronger than all these put together."

This means you are now so secure, as to be able to look realistically and honestly at the painful parts of your story. You don't have to sugar-coat evil, or pretend that nothing in the past matters because you now have God. On the contrary. Your whole story counts.


Frozen in Fear 
I know what you're thinking. Do you fear if you do this (take real stock of your past) you will disappear? Melt in a pool of tears and fall apart? Understand that mixed in with those real fears are always lies that Evil would have you believe. The truth is, "No, you cannot be separated from the love of Christ (see Rom. 8:35) - not by life, or death, or danger, or your past, or the real demons that raise their vicious accusations and attacks (read The Screwtape Letters by Lewis to see how subtle those attacks can be).

Such security means you are now so covered with Christ, that you're actually able to be changed - underneath that covering - in your heart. The heart of stone has become a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26), able now to be molded and reshaped.

What's your motto for life? Does it involve opening the observatory doors of your heart to let the "greater-than-starlight" grace of God shine and exposing it to His loving gaze, so that you can change? Understand, that kind of love and grace is actually more than "unconditional." It's a love springing from the heart of an incredibly good God that is so concerned for our freedom from Evil's grasp that it says, "Yes, I will receive you the way you are - warts and all - but no, I will not leave you as you are! I care about your healing and freedom too much to do that. And I care about my own glory - which is actually your best shot at joy."

Do you believe this? God has made His "no small plans" in the great rescue mission of His Son - the "bright Morning star" (Rev. 22:16). And because He has, a universe of new wonders awaits....real magic to stir men's blood.

Because of Him, you are "...children of God, without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe." Philippians 2:15

Modern-Day Lepers

My lovely wife and I are dating more of late (a sweet thing) - in part, to celebrate our 20th anniversary (we'll essentially celebrate all year), and also because the kids are away on extended holiday, so it frees up a bit more. (Moral of that story: parents, send your kids away once in a while. You'll re-connect, and you can still love them from afar. It usually does them good to get out of the nest too). Anyway, on one of our recent dates we decided to take in the new X-Men: First Class movie. Cool fun!

These X-Men guys, if you don't know the previous films or the comics, are "mutants," human aberrations of some evolutionary process-gone-wrong (or right, depending on your point of view). Some mutants grow colorful insect wings and spit gooey fireballs (Angel), others can heal super-fast and have gravity-defying hair-do 's (Wolverine, who makes a cameo in this one), and still others can read your mind (Charles Xavier) whether or not you want them to - and then counsel you on what you were about to do (Ahh, just the mutation I need!)

Evolutionary mutations do make fascinating fodder for fantasy movies and Comic-con gatherings, but I happen to like the X-Men films because, not only are they creative, well-made, and fun - but I also relate to one of the underlying premises: Don't we often feel like a modern-day leper (or mutant) in our own skin?  

The average guy on the street in X-Men either has it (this mutant gene) or he doesn't - and the film certainly plays with the tension of who's really the "normal" and "acceptable" in society (there's a whole Nazi angle dangling in the background too). But of course if the guy's got it, he's not talking - it's very much a covert affair. The reason for the silence hits all too close to home.

Watching these characters wrestle, I couldn't help but think: "What is it inside us, this "mutant gene" that shuts us up and sends us into hiding?" I suspect that one especially strong strain, with many facets, might just be our "mutant feeling" in a nutshell: shame.

Not Just X-Men Hide

Shame has a unique power to shut us up, taking away our voice and our honesty. We've all sensed it. It can leave us feeling cast-aside by others -which like the mutants, might actually be true, sadly- or even draw us to take up residence in our own self-imposed "leper colony;" one that lives within. (If we were honest, we might rather have actual leprosy than shame - the former being a "disease" that's now fairly easily cured, while the latter is much more stubborn to go.)

So imagine we can take out the microscope for a minute, and pause long enough to look at this mutant gene called "shame." After all, the original design was "naked without shame" (Gen. 2:25). The sample on the glass? The human heart. 

Now here's one strain, a case of what I call "every-day shame": You've done something wrong (why is this so hard to believe?), or stupid, and you don't want to confess your weakness or sin to anyone - especially your spouse or family. Like the mutant, you really despise the idea of looking bad or wrong (feeling shame), or appearing weak, and the possibility of not being thought well of or accepted just kills you. 

So, how do you deal? Well, like the mutants, you just don't talk about it - you shut up - but then end up not so honest when your spouse, or parent asks, "How was your day?"

In this case, the motivating desire (call it 'My Favorite Self-Salvation Attempt') comes into focus: "If I just pretend to look good, I will secure my acceptance with others - which if I could actually be honest, is often way more important to me than God, and what he thinks." Yep, pride is definitely involved here in this mutated strain.

Different Strains of Shame

Or, there are other versions of shame one might detect in certain individuals, such as accident victims and war vets. This "survivor guilt shame" courses through their veins, in some cases, even though they've done nothing wrong relative to the trauma - yet they still feel a certain shame about being alive. "Why them, and not me?" they ask...but mostly just to themselves. Just shut up and try to live with it, they think. (The question of a good God invariably is at root, and nags at the edges of their heart.)

Or - and this one deserves a whole book - shame may be cast on you by another, such as in sexual abuse, leaving you with a deep sense of feeling defiled, or dirty. "Unclean," the ancient cry of the leper, becomes your silent cry. This one may be the hardest of all to talk about - rarely will you hear this dealt with in family contexts, or churches - and so the sufferer (leper) lives in silent shame. (And what's even worse - if one can imagine it - is when the sufferer finally has the courage to talk about it, and then is labeled by others as the problem - in order to silence them again! This is all too common, if not enraging for the victim. Note: For an excellent new resource on this subject, see Rid of My Disgrace, by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb)

A Wounded Hero Comes

What's cool in the X-Men story is that an unlikely hero/rescuer emerges to lead the outcasts to a place of refuge - his own lavish home. In the process, "Xavier" suffers greatly at that hands of the enemy. Still - and this is the beautiful part - he gladly welcomes the weird and strange to join him, and he teaches and takes care of them. He doesn't just talk the talk, He "embodies it," identifying with them. And not only this, his heart is big enough to seek other outcasts too, and bring them home. What's more beautiful to a "leper" than that? Sound vaguely familiar?

Hopefully. But here's something even better. In Jesus, you have a TRUE Hero and Rescuer who see your "mutant" condition of shame. (Look at his time on earth - Jesus longed to be with the misfits, the outcasts, the broken - good news for us!)  And much like Xavier, once he finds you, he makes his home with you and begins to target and go to work on the very things that Evil uses to attack you (the whispered distortions about God and His goodness, as well as your own guilt and shame. See I John 3:8).

This message about Christ is what brings faith (Rom. 10:17), and faith renewed is what we need. Why is it so vital to hear, again and again, these Gospel promises? Because we can still think like mutants, often, even though we've been bought with the precious blood of the King. We've been adopted into His family, but we're still prone to shut-up in our shame, or pride. We still need daily grace to shun our pernicious self-reliance and be on guard to open our hearts to be encouraged and loved by others, so that we won't be "hardened by sin's deceitfulness" (Hebrews 3:13). We still need to remind each other of the promises and character of our good God every day.

Our Daily Dose
The moment by moment issue is still this: we are to come with empty pockets and hands. "Come empty? Seems so simple, right?" But in fact, it's often the hardest thing to do! (Despite the fact that we may sing "I Surrender All!") Leave your reputation as a "good parent," and come. Leave your "status and position" at work or church or wherever, and come. Leave your right answers, and your "right appearance," and come. Leave it all...  

Come to the fountain and receive, as Francis Schaeffer put it, "A present application of the blood of Christ." Hear again "Be clean!" and believe. Believe that Christ is all you need, see Him only, and when faith is enlarged again, (even if only a mustard seed size), understand that now anything is possible. Christ is for you!

The old preacher JC Ryle puts it well (a quote sent to me this week by my wife):

"He can wash us thoroughly from all the defilement of sin in His own blood... Let this sink down deeply into our hearts. There is medicine to heal our sickness. If we are lost it is not because we cannot be saved. However corrupt our hearts, and however wicked our past lives, there is hope for us in the Gospel. There is no case of spiritual leprosy too hard for Christ."

That's how the mutant and leper becomes a son or daughter. And that's also how we, as adopted sons and daughters, learn to actually live out of our "Son-ship," or union with Christ, and embrace daily our new identity. And finally, it's how our shut-up mouths learn to sing and praise once again the One who called us home. 

Little Did We Know

Harold Crick is in perfect control. A senior IRS agent, (who also happens to be the main character in one of the best films released in recent years, Stranger than Fiction), Harold has “the efficient life” down, figured like a flawless tax return: counting each brush-stroke of his teeth (35 up and down, 35 side to side), the exact number of paces to the bus-stop (57); even the precise twists and turns in his Windsor-knotted tie. By all appearances, Harold is the paragon of expediency, a calculator on two legs. Unfortunately, all this has led to a "deep and endless ocean" of mundane existence. Obsession with control can do that to you.

But on one particular Wednesday, Harold (played with perfect pitch by Will Ferrell) is given a great gift. When a blip in his wrist-watch begins to mess with his ordered world, (for us, fill in the blank with any broken situation or relationship), his uneasiness begins to rise exponentially. On top of this, an audible voice (the author of his life-story, played by the always amazing Emma Thompson) begins to follow him, narrating his every move, and even tipping him off to his “imminent death.”

What Story am I in?
According to director Marc Forster, Stranger than Fiction seeks to grapple with the question, "how much of our lives are being written? How much control do we really have over, say, whether we get hit by a bus or not?" Do such questions matter? And who really wants to ponder their own death anyway? (Hint: see Ecclesiastes 7:2 “…death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.” Hmmm,  apparently pondering the brevity of life and our story’s end can actually open the door to wisdom!)

With death now closer on the horizon, Harold’s new obsession has a better aim: a desperate need to learn the kind of story he’s in and what his life means. He begins to question: “is my life just a comedy? A cosmic joke? Or is it a tragedy, with death and taxes (the actual title of his story) the only  “sure thing?”  What's the author up to anyway?

"Shut Up and Leave Me Alone!" 
A pivotal moment in Harold’s story comes when he's called upon to audit Ana Pascal (Maggie Gyllenhaal), the young bakery-shop owner who sees through Harold's controlled exterior. As she presents to him some warm chocolate-chip cookies she's made just for him, he must decide whether he can accept them as a “gift,” or insist on paying for the cookies - avoiding the scarier, out-of-control feeling of accepting an act of love. (Isn't this the scandal of grace? Like the prodigal returning to his father, we insist on paying our way, but the Giver will hear none of it.) The next scene pictures Harold, sad and alone on the street-corner, screaming at the heavens. Can we relate?

But what if life was actually a “Shakespearean comedy” (as counselor Ed Welch has suggested) – one where  our lust for control and insistence on paying was not the final word? A story where the freedom to love, and a taste of unbelievable celebration - one better than any fiction can imagine -  was the theme that transcended even death?  Who would not want to be part of that story?

Diagnosing Control
Stranger than Fiction doesn’t reveal all the reasons for Harold’s obsessive-compulsive behaviors,  but as physician and counselor Michael Emlet has noted,  OCD tendencies can reveal many things: on the biological side, causes such as head trauma, strep-throat, and low-functioning thyroid may all play a role. Call these important factors the physical, “outer-side” of who we are. Obsessive hand-washing and house cleaning, repeated trips to check the locks on the doors, even persistent counting (like Harold) and compulsive hoarding of certain items has its reasons, and biological factors are sometimes known to play a part.

But a holistic, Scriptural view of what it means to be truly human also takes into account our “inner side,” or the “heart,” with all its desires, cravings, and assigning of value to people, places and things in our lives.  We must ask, what fears are really controlling us? What cravings (think of approval, or comfort, or peace) tend to lead us around, and make us miserable?  (There seems to be some evidence that this powerful inner-side can even influence the neurochemicals in our brains.  How could it be otherwise, as we are a unity, an interconnected soul and body?  Just think of how persistent anxiety or stress can make you feel old, or even cause physical illness.)

In addition, an “it’s all up to me” mentality in our heart can certainly lead us to seek mastery and control over our environment, as Harold desires, with self-imposed rituals and perfectionist tendencies.  Or think of living with the persistent “fear of man” (Prov.29:25) which seeks to keep anxiety minimized by never looking bad or making a mistake before the eyes of others. Add to this efforts to “self-atone” and live a perfect life - when we’re plagued with persistent guilt - and its alot of plates to keep spinning in the air at once! Keeping danger and unwelcome surprises (including death) at bay while saving face can be at the heart of a desire to control our world. It’s also a cruel master, keeping us enslaved to fear and unable to rest or trust.

Control-Freaks Take Heart
Thankfully for Harold, learning to give up control means a better end. For us too,  it can come as a great surprise (and relief) to learn that our suffering and struggle with control is actually written into a better story, one where “...all the days ordained for me were written in your book, before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16). In this truer story we can take heart, for real control over history and evil was ultimately displayed at the cross, where death was swallowed up in victory (1 Cor. 15:54). Trusting his control, we find freedom to really live.

In conclusion, the “divine interruptions” that call us to face our brokenness and the illusion of having control - like of the author’s voice for Harold - can awaken us to a new hope, as we learn to rest our anxious hearts in a loving Christ,  receiving all His benefits. For if it’s true that we don’t change unless we’re gripped with a greater affection (and it is), a glorious Christ is exactly where we find it. And as we also learn to see ourselves as part of his body, meant to work in harmony with others, our self-reliant tendencies can give way to greater cooperation with others, which is love in community. 

Little did we know that this stranger than fiction, real-life story offers exactly what we need!

Every Woman's Dream

However much reality actually exists in “Reality TV” these days is a question, but a particular show’s widespread attraction might be an indicator of things. Take The Bachelorette, for example. With ten million weekly viewers (and a high percentage of those in the 18-49 age female category), the question begs asking: Why are so many women, both single and married, gathering en masse to hang out and watch this show?

Sure, you could say that part of the reason is that women are tremendously social creatures, and will take any bonding-time excuse to be together. And you’d be partly right. Chatting with the girls, building community, and enjoying each other’s company is something they do well. It's how they're wired as compassionate verbal creatures. (The old joke about women using twice as many words as men primarily because men need things repeated comes to mind - but poor communication alone doesn’t explain this. Think of it as a wonderful Designer feature for men to appreciate).

But perhaps the immense popularity of these largely women-only groups surrounding this particular show suggests a deeper reason, one that lies closer to her heart:

Every woman longs to be courted, to be pursued by someone who finds her irresistible.

To test this, just watch a woman while she’s watching this show (as I have), and you’ll see how something deep inside her visibly resonates with Ali’s plight (or privilege, depending on how you look at it). To be showered with gifts and attentiveness and even silly romantic songs by a group of relatively handsome (how would I know?) and eligible guys appears, initially at least, like she died and went to heaven. (That is, unless a woman has been deeply hurt, and is swearing off the whole idea of men for a variety of reasons. But more on that in a moment).

Is it unrealistic? Sure. But that really isn't the point here.

The Most Powerful Man in the World
And this deeper resonance doesn’t surface because reality television comes along and unlocks a hidden door. It’s there from day one for little girls. As soon as they can express it, they want to know: Am I lovely? Am I worth fighting for?

John Eldredge, addressing these comments to Fathers, writes:

All through those years, when she’s dressing up and doing shows for you and playing princess and trying to look beautiful and shedding tears over the fact that she might not be, she is trying to capture your attention. She wants to know: Am I lovely? That’s the question every little girl is asking. And she looks to her dad to answer it.

That’s why dress-up, and putting on make-up, and eventually shows about relationships, as well as numerous magazines about couples, fashion, and bridal gowns are all part of the deal for girls.

Deep insecurities grow when fathers fail to answer these questions, early and often, with hugs and compliments and reassurances. The result, Eldredge says, is that girls will tend to seek the answer from someone else as soon as they possibly can. (Might this explain at least some of the attraction of the show?)

Losing the Dream: “Evil wants you to hate your face”
Perhaps. But if all this is true, then it’s vital for us to recognize that a girl’s (or woman’s) worst fear is anything that smacks of "you are not wanted, not prized, not lovely enough to be pursued and fought for." Fathers and would-be courters should take serious note: any expression of false intimacy or abandonment (from preoccupied or absentee fathers to addictions with internet porn) will certainly cut her to the core. She will notice when you can't take the hard work of meaningful relationship, but instead have opted for an easy out.

Even worse, maybe she's received the message that she appeared to be wanted, but for other, and decidedly insidious reasons. (Sexual abuse now impacts a staggering 38% of all girls before the age of 18).

The devastating impact this will have upon her heart often results in a sinister belief that grows within her, and is hard to shake: she must hate the face and body which appeared to cause her pain. (Men also experience levels of this shame, and are not immune to its effects. See Dan Allender’s The Wounded Heart book and workbook, two excellent resources for women and men struggling to find hope and healing).

Notice how the two questions above are impacted. A woman's face, meant to uniquely reflect and “shine” something of God’s beauty and image to the world, and to give and receive love, is now seen by her as shameful and despised thing to be hidden or distorted (after all, how else can the pain stop?), further abused by men, or even destroyed (by escaping into drugs, bulimia, and various false forms of intimacy herself, in order to find some kind of acceptance and meaning). This is the message she was sent through abuse, and how evil seeks to triumph and obliterate God’s handiwork.

Finding the Perfect Man
But there is another way, barely (if ever) hinted at by reality television, that these deep questions of a woman’s heart begin to be answered. Yes, there is a perfect man! His is a way of healing and renewed beauty, where the soul pain of rejection can begin to melt and hope can grow. A perfect and true Man, one who promised to “bind up the broken-hearted” and “carry our sorrows.” (Isaiah 53:3-6). He will not abuse, and He knows how to speak tenderly to your soul and touch the broken places. All that you have turned to and covered yourself in up to this point (and all your future attempts as well) - even the contempt for self and others - can be forgiven and thrown into the heart of the sea, forever. And a new identity as a beloved bride will also be yours:

For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the Lord of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth. For the Lord has called you, like a wife of forsaken and grieved in spirit, even like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected.  Isaiah 54:5,6

The path to healing and real intimacy is to recognize that Jesus is a man willing to fight – even die - for your womanhood. His cross should be seen - in part - in this light. And he went there to restore you, forgive you, make you beautiful, and to make your face shine, for his triumph on your behalf means he can provide a new heart that is set free to love and receive love again.

Men who would truly love a woman must first recognize this. Embracing Christ's sacrifice ushers us into a new reality, one we all long for. His perfect love is the true rose, and its for you.

Call Me Scrooge!

Poor Scrooge! Despite being "redeemed every year" as his timeless story is told and re-told (and Disney's new 3-D, animated version is a surprisingly fresh and faithful rendering), he just can't seem to shake the bad rap. To be called a Scrooge today, for example, undoubtedly means you're tight-fisted with buck - as I know I can be, to my shame. But I do wonder (as I wander), will the name of Scrooge forever be associated with his past sins - even though his story ends so gloriously?:

"Many laughed to see this alteration in him, but he let them laugh and little heeded them. His own heart laughed and that was quite enough for him. And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge."

I want to be that Scrooge! I mean, think of it. The very sight of him - which once elicited shudders and chills - now brings others deep joy and delight! How inviting is that?!

But perhaps the greater irony concerning Scrooge has to do with his first name, Ebenezer, which is I'm guessing why Dickens chose it.  Following the pattern of many good words from antiquity, Ebenezer once enjoyed a better past. Long before all the negative Scrooge connotations, the Hebrew word originally came from the Israelites setting up a commemorative stone (literally, "a stone of help," see I Samuel 7:12-14). The idea was they could look at it and remember God's preserving grace to them in the past, and thus be encouraged for the present and the future. Kind of like Scrooge needing those three visitations before he could celebrate.

But why a memorial stone, or stars (for Abraham), or bread and wine? Why Christmas movies, and carols, and gifts? Apparently God knew the Israelites, much like Scrooge (and me) were prone to forgetting certain key things - really important things like past grace, and His future promise to care. And so God graciously gives to us Ebenezers, or physical remembrances, because while it's true that faith comes by hearing (Rom. 10:17), God throws in seeing, tasting, and touching as a bonus, added means to spark off our celebrations.

Christmas then, like good counseling, is in large part about helping us remember - or maybe even learn for the first time - that an outrageously gracious God has come to heal twisted pasts, and to bring us joy. Like the surprise gift you never expected, God wants to surprise even you with unimaginable and healing grace, so that you will be set free to really know, love and enjoy him.

So what are three "Ebenezers" that a better Scrooge and Christmastime helps us remember, so that we may celebrate well this year?

Ghost of Christmas Past (Ebenezer stone #1):  Your past story matters immensely, but it need not define you (i.e., make you a crotchety Scrooge forever).

In the original Carol, Dickens wisely gives us glimpses of a young Ebenezer, and we are saddened by the sheer amount of brokenness. There he sits, alone at school. We then learn that his mother died giving birth to him, which likely (and sadly) accounts for his father's relational coldness - a trait he not surprisingly comes to follow. His beloved sister Fan also dies in childbirth, bearing his nephew Fred. So when Ebenezer turns for rescue, as we often do, to the illusory "safety" of making money (his "golden idol" of choice), sacrificing the prospect of a loving marriage in the process, we see clearly where pain and bitterness can take us.

Like all of us, Scrooge is clearly a victim, but also a victimizer. But how much do we take pride in wearing these labels - "I'm an adult survivor of ________ (fill in the blank)?" Here is where the story, like our persistent God, surprises us. For like the three visitors, God Himself wants to get our attention long enough to hear him say, "No, that is not your true identity - if you let me surprise you with my visitation. His name is Immanuel, God with us, and His past included a manger and a cross, followed by an empty tomb." So now, if you meet and really get to know this living Jesus, as Sinclair Ferguson notes, "His past now becomes your past." Beloved child, son or daughter, becomes your new and better name. But how is this possible, you ask?

Ghost of Christmas Present (Ebenezer stone #2):  Jesus can teach you to love - and rescue you when you don't.

I always love the scene when Scrooge is cut to the heart by peering in on the Cratchit's humble yet loving home - just what he (and we) needed to convict our hearts about our failures in love! In the same way, do you really think you can learn to love without seeing God's grace in action - without seeing the real point of the manger and cross? The important "Ebenezer" here is that trying to give yourself a new law to "just go out and love" will only leave you powerless and sad, crying out like Scrooge to Marley, "Speak words of comfort to me, Jacob!" (At this point the Law will also answer, "I have none to give.") You can't do it! That's the whole point of Jesus coming at Christmas. God's commands to love are meant to serve as a mirror in which we gaze long enough to see our dirty faces (hearts), leading us to seek after (cry out for) the soap, the cleansing blood of Christ:

So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. (Galatians 3:24)
and
...the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. (Galatians 5:6)

Only as we turn from ourselves to look (and rest) in Christ, are we then empowered anew to love.

Moralism and legalism, along with good intentions, weren't born in the manger - but they were crucified on the cross. So try this Gospel remedy to counteract your tendency to run back to legalism, as the old preacher McCheyne suggested: for every one look at your sin, take ten at Christ. The loving Christ of Christmas - given for you - is your present substitute and cleansing, not just your past or future Savior.

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come (Ebenezer stone #3): God holds your future! (Better yet, God is your future)

Further, understand that what you do right now, at this very moment, matters for the future. I love the film versions of A Christmas Carol which show a humbled Scrooge, upon having immediately secured the prize turkey for the Cratchit's Christmas feast, in worship on Christmas morning, singing. So start by cranking up some good Christmas carols, and take the opportunity to sit and listen closely to the words: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing (the one the new Scrooge usually sings) is unparalleled for its Gospel truth. I'm also reminded of a dear friend who had her own "visitation" with a line in O Holy Night (the line was "Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth." Very cool). Christmas Carols make an awesome Ebenezer. But you must learn to be still and listen (Ps. 46:10). But then don't just be still. Break out, like Scrooge on Christmas morning, and dance and sing. Then I'll call you Scrooge too, and together we'll say,

God bless us, everyone!

(Movie note: I had a great time with my teen-age son watching the latest Disney version of A Christmas Carol, 3-D glasses and all. The film is surprisingly scary, however, so those with small kids may want to take note! Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!)