The Shadow of Your Past

It's a strange thing, this wishing life had turned out differently. Call it regret, or hind-sight, but it brings up the age-old question associated with Groundhog Day (more the movie than the furry little shadow-watcher from Punxsutawney), and it goes like this: If you could go back and change something in your past, would you do it?

The question is especially on the minds of watchers of LOST, returning tonight for its long-anticipated final season! Will Jack's plan to explode the bomb (in the past) actually prevent their plane from crashing (in the future?) If so, will they avoid all the pain - and also the healing - that seems to occur on that mysterious island? Stay tuned!

But enough about Jack and Kate, how about you? Wouldn't you take the opportunity to right (or avoid altogether) a regretful wrong, or take back some nasty words that should never have been said? Wouldn't you have loved your friends and family better, been more careful and thoughtful, and "seized the day" or moment that is now gone forever? The quick and easy answer is, "Of course I would!"

The Darker Side 
Of course there is a more sinister side to the question about changing the past, one that calls all our altruistic motives into question. That side goes like this: If you knew the past and could really go back to change it, wouldn't you make things tilt to your own advantage? Like weatherman Phil Connors (Bill Murray) in the 1993 Groundhog Day movie, would you try to make yourself richer (after all, you'd know the stock market and Super Bowl results ahead of time!), attempt to manipulate people into falling in love with you - in short, exploit your unhappy past situations so they now went nicely in your favor?

It's a fascinating question. Knowing human nature, the latter is more likely to be true. But stop and think about it. Maybe the answer about what to do shouldn't be so automatic! (LOST sure hasn't made it easy, and that's why we like it!) Ponder after all, all the lessons you've learned from your screw-ups, mistakes, and sins. Painful to be sure, but wasn't it the fact that you were brought to the very end of yourself in those moments that you began, by grace, to look up? (Think of the prodigal in the Pig-sty. Haven't we've all been there, trapped in the mud of our messes?).  And haven't you learned to love better by failing miserably at it before? (Hopefully you'll say Yes!)

Now, if you agree that you have learned from those things, and become a more humble, loving person through them, wouldn't you also have to say the same about those things done to you, by others? (This one's a bit more dicey). In other words, couldn't you say that you have actually been changed somehow for the better as a result of wrongs committed against you? Is such a thing even possible?

We don't ever want to minimize painful abuse, or act as if we should go after it somehow in order to be better persons. Never should we invite the ugly ravages of sin in an effort to see grace, (Romans 6:1), although we should invite sinners to the table to taste it - as Jesus invites us. The two aren't exactly the same.

Redeemer of Broken Pasts 
But maybe you haven't seen the positive results from your past yet - and in fact, you want to scream right now that I would even say such a thing. I understand, believe me I do. But I would like to suggest something about Someone else's past that might give you hope.

The question about the past takes on a whole new meaning when we study and examine the cross on which Jesus hung. Ask yourself, Was he wronged? In one sense, incredibly so! As the perfect Son of God and lover of men, he deserved none of the abuse he received (and yes, even sexual abuse was there too, as he hung naked before the eyes of his abusers). But in another sense, No! Because he had actually "become sin for us" (2 Cor. 5:21) and was dying in our place as a real criminal, he actually deserved everything he got.  Its what made the transaction real - and effective.

Because Jesus did receive our wounds, and died our death, the world was saved. So the question becomes, Would you really want to change that about his abusive past? (Remember how the urge to have Jesus avoid the cross was especially strong in Peter... and Jesus rebuked him for thinking like Satan.)

The point is this: only Jesus can take the worst day of history (and it was - we killed God that day) and amazingly twist and shape it into the best day of history. Now here's more good news: He did it once, so that He can do the same for your worst days. Though you cannot fathom it, (and pray for faith to believe it), God especially targets your ugliest, most painful days to bring out the best. In so doing, He actually changes you. Cracks open the hardness and pride and makes you a more forgiving person. Dissolves the self-interest to make you (and those around you) more compassionate. Stretches you to be more in tune with the sufferings of Christ.  And all of those are no small things.

And think about this: if God is perfectly wise, and also perfectly good, don't you think if it were possible to use any other way to change you and also bring good to others, he would? Don't you think he would have spared his Son that He so loves?

"And we know that in all things (yes, even our shameful pasts) God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Understand that His purpose - in every sad and broken moment - is to do you good, and he's not ashamed (actually, He desires) to even use the hard parts of your past to do it. So open those hidden places up to him. Watch His gracious touch begin to work its healing way with you. And as you watch, don't forget to also notice the indelible nail scars, still on his hands - for your own name is engraved there too (Isaiah 49:16).  It's His past alone that makes sense out of yours - and your present.

What Does Jason Bourne Want?

Friday night is our family-movie night, and its no mystery - I know what I want. When I settle in with the family to enjoy some spicey, hot pizza and chilled Karl Strauss, and am transported into the lightning-quick world of the Bourne films, I'm looking for some good spy-movie fun. (Read CS Lewis on stories if you think sheer enjoyment and fun aren't lofty goals!)
 
And with Bourne, I'm not disappointed. After all, this trilogy of creative spy films adapted from writer Robert Ludlum's popular spy novels are innovatively shot, cinematic pieces of pure adrenaline. At times you really do feel -as director Paul Greengrass put it- that you're "dancing on the edge of a cliff." 

When Jason (played by Matt Damon) jumps off a balcony, or runs through a crowded European alley, or drives his Mini against traffic, you're right there beside him holding your breath all the way! (This is really the result of some great hand-held camera work by a group of talented directors and  cinematographers.) It's also great fun hearing my family scream!

But what also keeps our attention in the Bourne films, along with the outrageously slick fight scenes and Bourne's uncanny ability to stay one-step-ahead of his pursuers, is that he's actually on a very human mission - a journey, if you will, to find out who he really is. Despite the fact that he has amnesia blocking his deeper, more intense memories, and more passports and fake id's than any agent could ever need, we can't help but get caught up in his real quest: will he ever learn his true identity?

Our Story
That's the stuff of a great story. We resonate with it immediately, because essentially, this deeper story-line is our story too! We too long to find out who we really are, and what our true name is. (This mystery will one day be revealed to each of us individually by Jesus, written on a "white stone" that He will give us (see Rev. 2:17). Now that's true drama!)
   
Like many "amnesia films," the Bourne films pulsate with the fundamental need for a "clean slate" - the desire to face up to and expunge the sins of one's past. ("Regarding Henry," a note-worthy film from the 90's, also has this theme. Like Bourne, it also demonstrates how significant trauma is usually the first stroke in Redemption's plan.) 

Now sure, Jason is clever - unbelievably so, and relentless. The problem is, the more he discovers about his "true self," the worse he feels: "I don't want to know anymore...everything I found out I want to forget," he says. Can we relate?

In this sense, the Bourne books and films are gifts from God. Yes, that's right, I did say that.  God's common grace and creativity are on display, uniquely revealed in the artistry of the writers, actors, camera guys, and a host of creative talent listed in the end-credits. Does that go without saying?  (There may be some readers of this essay who can benefit from pondering that fact.  We Christians tend to jump right into criticism without first showing our appreciation for God's image reflected even in the works of talented non-Christians. Our cultural engagement would be greatly enhanced if we first learned to admire and appreciate how creative artists reflect their Creator- perhaps without their even knowing.)

But there are even more gifts in store, for these stories also take us around God's world, enlarging our vision with varied and beautiful backdrops of European grandeur, shot at times in almost documentary-like fashion. This is intentional, for the directors confess they wish to accentuate Jason's roaming sense of alienation. Once again, Truth comes through: despite the many canals and corridors, there is no place to hide from the past.

Looking For Our True Name 
And so this insatiable desire for something better drives Jason Bourne on. Like the prodigal in the pig-sty,  it all begins when he starts to "come  to," after being spotted floating face down in the sea. He is, as they say, as good as dead. The same is true of us of course. We too have been issued our last rites; dead to God and His Way, Truth, and Life, and so our given purpose and true name eludes us.  And like the prodigal,  we called our Father a dead-man, took his money, and ran. In so doing, we cut our own family-ties while Satan shot us in the back.

But as Jason's "real identity" begins to surface,  the bitter truth that he has actually chosen evil (with some brain-washing help from Treadstone, the secret CIA organization bent on its own autonomy) begins to gnaw, and at a place so deep even he can't escape, for it resides within his own soul.  Even when he seems at his best (and we long to go there with him), desperately seeking to convince his girlfriend Marie that "I'm just trying to do the right thing," it is Marie who brings him -and us- back to reality: "Nobody does the right thing," she says. 
 
The Father's Love
It's a sober reminder: an honest view of our true selves ("glorious ruins" as Francis Schaeffer called us) always precedes our appreciation of the Father's gracious rescue and adoption in love. Our new identity as adopted,  loved children of God is bestowed upon us, but we are brain-washed into being orphan-children. Not to mention that our need for control ever demands it. And so we run.
 
Then, like modern-day Jonahs thrown overboard,  sea-weed wrapped around our heads and sinking ever deeper, Grace came and swallowed us in the deep. Once safely inside the "great fish", yet still choking and sputtering for air, all we could say was "Salvation comes from the Lord!" ( Jonah 2:9).

So what if our identity truly did rest purely in what God has done - not our ability to redeem the past ourselves. What if we became different - not in name only, but by actually breathing the free air of grace and full acceptance in Christ - and so truly began to find ourselves? The secret is that this only comes  - not by morbid introspection, or willing ourselves to change, or even atoning or doing penance for our pasts - but by actually abandoning self and turning outward to Christ!
 
What about haunting memories? These too begin to be transformed, as counselor David Powlison says, when Biblical truth (specifically the love God brings to our hearts through the Gospel) "becomes more loud and vivid than previous life experience...[when we] have ears to hear and eyes to see what God tells us about himself." Our pasts can actually become "trophies of grace," just as it was for Paul (I Cor. 15:9, I Tim.1).

New Memories
Is memory-transformation really possible? Not if we choose to dull the pain, mask it over with drugs or excessive alcohol, or even try to deny bad memories exist at all while adopting "good behavior." Many Christians try these things because the pain gets so bad, and their "bad name" always seems to trump all other realities. To his credit,  Jason Bourne actually wants to remember (despite what he said in despair) so that he can see things put to right.

We need not be hostages to our pasts. If we were hurt by others, we can cling to Joseph's words, voiced when he faced his treacherous brothers: "you intended this for evil, but God intended it for good...for the saving of many lives (Gen.50:20)." Is this not also the supreme message of the cross? If our sins- black as they may be (is there any sin blacker than being responsible for the death of Jesus? All of us are!)- continue to dog our present steps, we need not deny or repress them. We can begin to have a new perspective on them, seeing our pasts as God does: "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free!" (Gal.5:1)
 
This calls for re-interpreting our memories. Listen how Paul does it: 

"...Even though I was once a blasphemer and persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief....(Note: Paul is not saying he's innocent. He willingly chose his ignorance and unbelief!). ..but for this very reason, I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him (that means, you and I) and receive eternal life (I Tim. 1:12-ff)."

Paul, as one writer notes, presents "a gospel interpretation of his past." In so doing, grace shines all the brighter.

Remembering also allows us to seek restitution where it may be needed.   Humble confessions are often used by God to soften other's hard hearts. Or, it may keep us from future sins of the same kind, so that we do not become "the dog who returns to his vomit (Prov. 26:11)." Present joy -as we learn to bask in the sunlight of God's justifying grace and love- need not be at odds with past shame (see Ezekiel 16:60-63). In fact, it actually allows it, as we see our pasts clearly for what they really were.
  
The present truth that we are "new creations in Christ" spells a glorious new identity, the kind Jason can only long for. We need not be bound up or even controlled by the script written in our past.  When painful thoughts come, they need not destroy us. We can learn from them, and glory in the fact that all is completely forgiven, and viewed by God, as Sinclair Ferguson says, as "Christ's own past." The prodigal is now a son, and is called to the celebration. The Father wants to party!  Rejoice! Our Redeemer is indeed bigger than our pasts.

Finally, this means that our identity, as well as our present and future hope, lies not in focusing on a technique, but a person. That person went on the ultimate mission, to defeat sin, death,  Satan, and hell. He is the glorious Redeemer who took the bullet for us, He is Jesus, and He will have the true supremacy. Bow in humble thanks, and then go ahead and enjoy your pizza - and all God's good gifts.