Sure, you could say that part of the reason is that women are tremendously social creatures, and will take any bonding-time excuse to be together. And you’d be partly right. Chatting with the girls, building community, and enjoying each other’s company is something they do well. It's how they're wired as compassionate verbal creatures. (The old joke about women using twice as many words as men primarily because men need things repeated comes to mind - but poor communication alone doesn’t explain this. Think of it as a wonderful Designer feature for men to appreciate).
But perhaps the immense popularity of these largely women-only groups surrounding this particular show suggests a deeper reason, one that lies closer to her heart:
Every woman longs to be courted, to be pursued by someone who finds her irresistible.
To test this, just watch a woman while she’s watching this show (as I have), and you’ll see how something deep inside her visibly resonates with Ali’s plight (or privilege, depending on how you look at it). To be showered with gifts and attentiveness and even silly romantic songs by a group of relatively handsome (how would I know?) and eligible guys appears, initially at least, like she died and went to heaven. (That is, unless a woman has been deeply hurt, and is swearing off the whole idea of men for a variety of reasons. But more on that in a moment).
Is it unrealistic? Sure. But that really isn't the point here.
The Most Powerful Man in the World
And this deeper resonance doesn’t surface because reality television comes along and unlocks a hidden door. It’s there from day one for little girls. As soon as they can express it, they want to know: Am I lovely? Am I worth fighting for?
John Eldredge, addressing these comments to Fathers, writes:
All through those years, when she’s dressing up and doing shows for you and playing princess and trying to look beautiful and shedding tears over the fact that she might not be, she is trying to capture your attention. She wants to know: Am I lovely? That’s the question every little girl is asking. And she looks to her dad to answer it.
That’s why dress-up, and putting on make-up, and eventually shows about relationships, as well as numerous magazines about couples, fashion, and bridal gowns are all part of the deal for girls.
Deep insecurities grow when fathers fail to answer these questions, early and often, with hugs and compliments and reassurances. The result, Eldredge says, is that girls will tend to seek the answer from someone else as soon as they possibly can. (Might this explain at least some of the attraction of the show?)
Losing the Dream: “Evil wants you to hate your face”
Perhaps. But if all this is true, then it’s vital for us to recognize that a girl’s (or woman’s) worst fear is anything that smacks of "you are not wanted, not prized, not lovely enough to be pursued and fought for." Fathers and would-be courters should take serious note: any expression of false intimacy or abandonment (from preoccupied or absentee fathers to addictions with internet porn) will certainly cut her to the core. She will notice when you can't take the hard work of meaningful relationship, but instead have opted for an easy out.
Even worse, maybe she's received the message that she appeared to be wanted, but for other, and decidedly insidious reasons. (Sexual abuse now impacts a staggering 38% of all girls before the age of 18).
The devastating impact this will have upon her heart often results in a sinister belief that grows within her, and is hard to shake: she must hate the face and body which appeared to cause her pain. (Men also experience levels of this shame, and are not immune to its effects. See Dan Allender’s The Wounded Heart book and workbook, two excellent resources for women and men struggling to find hope and healing).
Notice how the two questions above are impacted. A woman's face, meant to uniquely reflect and “shine” something of God’s beauty and image to the world, and to give and receive love, is now seen by her as shameful and despised thing to be hidden or distorted (after all, how else can the pain stop?), further abused by men, or even destroyed (by escaping into drugs, bulimia, and various false forms of intimacy herself, in order to find some kind of acceptance and meaning). This is the message she was sent through abuse, and how evil seeks to triumph and obliterate God’s handiwork.
Finding the Perfect Man
But there is another way, barely (if ever) hinted at by reality television, that these deep questions of a woman’s heart begin to be answered. Yes, there is a perfect man! His is a way of healing and renewed beauty, where the soul pain of rejection can begin to melt and hope can grow. A perfect and true Man, one who promised to “bind up the broken-hearted” and “carry our sorrows.” (Isaiah 53:3-6). He will not abuse, and He knows how to speak tenderly to your soul and touch the broken places. All that you have turned to and covered yourself in up to this point (and all your future attempts as well) - even the contempt for self and others - can be forgiven and thrown into the heart of the sea, forever. And a new identity as a beloved bride will also be yours:
For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the Lord of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth. For the Lord has called you, like a wife of forsaken and grieved in spirit, even like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected. Isaiah 54:5,6
The path to healing and real intimacy is to recognize that Jesus is a man willing to fight – even die - for your womanhood. His cross should be seen - in part - in this light. And he went there to restore you, forgive you, make you beautiful, and to make your face shine, for his triumph on your behalf means he can provide a new heart that is set free to love and receive love again.
Men who would truly love a woman must first recognize this. Embracing Christ's sacrifice ushers us into a new reality, one we all long for. His perfect love is the true rose, and its for you.
